Thoughts on the Ragged Road I

Tuesday - I spent the last three days, faint, feverish, nauseous, disorientated - legs moving automatically as my mind stood still. Bodily functions i can't control ... drool on the table, and i'm wide awake. Maybe it were tears, but i forgot the difference, or my mind can't seperate the two, too few synapse left, only the heart can connect the two.
Pills to surpress my skin disease destroying my kidneys slowly. This is only a taste of things to come, should it come to pass. This is no fever. This is no passing phase. This is what it feels like when chemical imbalances ravage the interior. All it took to trigger it was one day of bad sleep. Just one day. How do you choose between what i went through the pass 3 days - a body that is rebelling against nature, and an uncontrolable skin disease that destroys your skin, your life, you?
Why'd you let me bear the decision to live or die at this age?
But God, i've been through it before.
Why'd you give me eyes that see as an 80 year old?
Why'd you make my heart to serve you?
It's lonely to be so sick, and the rest of my time i give to you.
But you let me achieve more than i ever thought, more than most healthy others over the years.
No reason to believe you can't take me through another level.
It's lonely, young people only want to hang with other young people. And they will never understand how a man so young with radiance in his spirit has a body that's dying. They will never understand why i NEED to do some things of God before its too late.
Dying.
There's beauty in that seed.
"Before a seed dies completely, how can it flourish and yield fruit many times it's size?"
All things i do not know.
But this i do, "No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived, what God has in store for those who love Him." 1 Cor 2:9.
No eye, no ear... even dying eyes, like mine.
Ken