Wednesday, February 02, 2005

SITUATION ZERO: Am I dying? I don't know, but we still gotta spread God's love

Everyday, there's a high chance of my body breaking down.Skin gets worse unless i have high precautions (READ: no life, can't do 85% of the things i want to do) and take anti-rejection pills. Kidney transplant patients take 3 pills a day to live. I take 2-3 as well. As i take it, i get tired, dizzy, hungry, and feel like throwing up. I can't work like normal people... but by God's grace i do so much more than my capabilities. At the same time, i can't take this drug forever, my kidneys are not healthy because of it.If i stop taking it, my eczema spreads until my whole body is on fire and i get infections all over the body (Doctor has already classified me as severe case, hasn't seen much worse) .Either way, i feel spent, and emotionally in check, knowing i'm living between a rock and a hard place and i feel the rock and hard place squeezing me slowly ... time may run out.But what saddens me is not the physical suffering, i can't really get used to it, but you build up your tolerance by focusing your eyes on God's love - God knows how we feel. (Psalm 139). What saddens me is that there's such a lack of love and sensitivity around. I only want to spread God's love with the time i got left, but no one seems to know my dreams, or care that i won't be productive in the future, unless of course God does a miracle. But don't get me wrong, it's not my disease that saddens me... but through the disease, you see how people treat you and treat others and are saddened. Christ would do so many things differently. He wouldn't have cared what people thought and think of people that are suffering, empowering them and showing that he knows.He wouldn't spent so much time thinking of their own goals and pursuits, when the goal and pursuit of caring and lifting the fellow man would give more meaning than that.It;s a dark world, and some people who are more vulnerable see more darkness than others.like me.Only God's light is the comfort and gives me meaning to go on and do something radical in this world... if not for Him, there would be no reason for me to live a long time ago. When will people here, esp the Christians overflow with God's love and sensitivity? That's all that's needed to cause a massive revolution that will blow others away.
Ken
1 John 4:18 "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love".

13 Comments:

Blogger jiam said...

hey ken...keep writing ok.
this is where ill tune in to when i return to aussie.
Thanks for alot of things that you have taught me. There is so much that i have learnt and relearnt from just you chatting with me. =]
btw, do drop by my blog www.elbow-room@blogsopt.com
when you can....=]

5:37 AM  
Blogger joycee said...

hi mr koh, joyce here.. just felt that i should say smth to you after reading this entry.. yeah just want to let you know that you are not fighting this alone and that this commission of spreading love to others can be fulfilled through God's power. don't feel defeated by your present circumstance and always remb the story of Elijah (19:1-18).. i'm in this race with you! :) be strong and courageous as we keep you in our prayers for physical healing.. for there is nothing impossible for the Almighty one - Jehovah Rapha. cont seeking strength in Him.. yup. take care! see you arnd in sch :) -joshua 1:9-

9:18 AM  
Blogger chellewedance said...

hey mr koh. michelle here. i realli dunno wad to say sometimes but pls take care of yourself and dun overwork! keeping u in our prayers all the time. : ) we'll help spread the love for you dun worrie. stay strong mr koh cos u're our inspiration.

6:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dearest Mr Koh.. 05s13 here.. =) Just wanna say a million sorry for the times that we've been so inconsiderate to you.. We promise we'll be nicer! And really really sorry that we didn't know that you're in so much pain. Really pray that you'll feel better with each passing day. We love you! You're the greatest and nicest teacher in njc..(honest!!!) Must take care k.. Don't work so hard.. Stay happy!! =)

5:43 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

God bless you...for your courage,your grace and for just being you...
pls take care...

7:12 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

mr koh,yefan here....quite upset u din tell us of ur blog...so we carn share ur pain... but wanna sae dat we luv u all teh same...n dun giv up...wadeva u do u r fighting this battle for god n all those hu luv u(us included) dun let us down.we dun wanna lose u.n wadeva happen pls dun put on a brave front in front of us..let us share ur pain..ya..just wanna sae this...

7:33 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

susan here(if u forget im the girl who lost the ezlink card haha)i am not very good at cheem words..but just wanna say that you have been a very nice teacher, never flares up.hmm..just dont gif up fighting ..yep =]

3:32 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi mr koh, ruixia here. I'm really guilty of not being sensitive enough to others. I didn't know u were so sick even though i spoke to u in the canteen a few days ago. I just pray that you will be strong and your faith will make seemingly daunting tasks small. [1 Peter 1:4-9] and i thank God for you for spreading God's love to me.

4:50 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey there! :) You're doing really good. :) Keep it up, Mr. Koh! :p

8:59 PM  
Blogger Ken 4em da Quelle said...

RuiXia, you're a wonderful person. God's going to use you to bring healing of the heart to the people around you, including your family. I'm always glad to see you around school!

11:23 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

hey ken,

i'd be lying if i said i understand what u'r goin thru, or know ur pain. n i'd only seem to be trivialisin it if i said that we will all pass on one day, n so all of us live on death row. but i just wanna say that i truly appreciate u. ur sincerity, warm bear hugs, honest sharing, and intellectual journey have impressed me. n thru all this, ur painful physical suffering seems to mock the strength of your spirit. still i know that all of who u r - ur sensitivity, ur heart, ur real-ness - has much to do with the reality of ur pain. n i thank God, and pray that His grace will abound more n more for u... cos no one person can see u thru, save God alone. but u already know that ;)... n that's why ur joy n courage shines that much brighter to the rest of us whose 'ordinary' lives often drown away our heart n soul's tenderness. Nothing changes God's immense love for us! God love u, n be there with u, where only u go, so u never feel alone! - Trace

9:10 PM  
Blogger Ken 4em da Quelle said...

Trace, that was one of the most wonderful messages i have ever seen. The empathy and depth of thought and soul can be found in those words you have written. I could ask for nothing more. But then again, that's the person that you are, which is so evident to many people. If i said you were a blessing to others, that too would be trivial, because i can't find words deep enough to describe the glory and grace God put deep inside you.
Thank you sister, you are awesome.

7:39 PM  
Blogger Ken 4em da Quelle said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

7:40 PM  

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